Awesome Like the Rising Sun
by dgharron
Summary: This takes place one night shortly after graduation.. it is sort of a missing scene. It is mostly a rewrite of an earlier story called "When?" The ending is a little different and there are little tweaks. If you didn't enjoy the first version, you probably won't enjoy this either. As always comments and reviews are greatly appreciated.


"When did you know?"

Silence

Lena stands staring at the wall of photo's.

She wants to turn to Callie and ask her if she knows it is 4 am and whether she ever got to bed, but that question cuts both ways, right?. So She stays quiet taking her time. If she knows to what Callie is referring, then there is no easy answer.

"When did you know?"Callie , asks again, a little louder

Lena turns and what she see's is what she always sees, a courageous young woman, her daughter, who is also and will always be a "late-stage-adoption" kid . ACE's PTSD, Reactive Attachment. There is a whole chapter in the DSM dedicated to kids like Callie. And the guidelines the rules for talking to these kids, well there really are none, at least not ones that get the normal response.

So they stand there, Callie waiting, not in any hurry, kind-of enjoying this moment, alone time with her mama.

Lena not so much.

For one thing, she has too many answers rocking in her head, gleaned from twenty years of school, three years of research into child development and 12 years in the field. She has memorized -even taught practicums on- how to answer the tough questions kids ask about families and adoption. But when its someone you love who is questioning, the texts seem like just so much ink on paper.

So she gives a non-answer, not even looking at the girl. "Stef made up her mind on the way back from San Ysidro!"

Callie lips form a thin line as she keeps eyeing the woman.

The silence, isn't disapproving, but its fraught..

So, Lena continues.

"I think it took her about 5 miles of driving to really process everything; what you did, Jude, Brandon. At some point she was so distracted we were only doing 35 on I-5. But after that It was pretty much a done deal." She smiles, thinking back on one of the most bizarre car rides she has ever taken with this family.

Callie just continues looking, not with hostility, but not satisfied either.

"When did you know?"

Know what?" her reluctance to answer makes her voice sound disagreeable and angry which she immediately regrets.

Callie grunts and looks at the women, her mama. Both mom's they're Greek God's to her, Zeus and Juno. Fallible but immortal. They do and know things she can only imagine. Though lately...

Callie tips her head to the side, and brings a thumb to her mouth. For a moment they lock eyes. Lena feels a little sheepish and has trouble meeting the girl's eyes .

"You haven't answered the question, you know." Callie remarks, a little smugly, gnawing on her thumb.

"I know," Lena nods, acknowledging, what? That she doesn't want to admit to Callie or herself, that her love grew slowly. That it was hard and scary and not at all normal, that although she wants to be soft and giving, she can be rocky soil. And at least partly, her warmth is crafted. Oh hell, they already had three kids, no one signs up for five.

The books say don't give kids your worries. They shouldn't have to deal with doubts. They need the security of clear cut boundaries. Create safe spaces for them to explore their feelings.

Foster kids, late-stage adoption kids soak-up reassurance, They need as much constancy as you can provide. They need to feel it was love at first sight. Instantaneous. The family should be something given, simply meant to be. Something permanent, waiting to be expressed by the child's arrival, natural like a birth mothers love.

Only its not what happened. And Lena has to decide. She has a choice here. The text book answer with its sweetness and love would protect everyone; but after all this time, aren't they beyond that? Weren't they always, really? Callie came to them hyper-vigilant. Fairy tales. Convenient explanations. That ship had sailed a long time ago. The girl they met was all about transactions, I smile at you, you give me a car ride. Trust based relationships simply weren't on the table. Except of course with Jude, her lifeline to the world of the living.

A clock chimes from the back of the house. She is still stalling, Why? Guilt? About what? That she was furious with the girl for putting the family in danger. And that when Kelsey accused Callie of selling drugs her first reaction was to call Bill to come get both kids. She wanted them "OUT-OF-THE -HOUSE."

Yet, instead, she picked-up the phone and called Stef. "You have to at least hear the girls side of the story, Lena." And so she listened and learned. She gave love an inch, Surprise! It grew a mile.

Yet they tried not to have any expectations. What were the odds of it ending well? Out of Chula Vista they told themselves it was just about safety. Then, really? Who would abandon a child who had been raped, at some point the narrative morphed into not walking away from this high leveraged situation, where by simply being there with love they changed two kids lives. They never stopped to think how their own lives would be altered. Stunning naivete in retrospect.

Now, she can't even start to count the sacrifices she's made for this elusive string bean of a child. Or the gifts the girl has graced them with. So she turns back to the pictures, the twins age 5 stare at her. Jesus sitting cockily, arm draped over Mariana's shoulder, his eyes wide and dark like a puppy's, Mariana's blank and guarded, giving nothing away, and so telling her whole crappy back story of abandonment and loss.

"I've read that people are wired to love babies. Just the look of big eyes and bubbly head sets the oxytocin pumping. We didn't get that chance with you." She sighs.

"Mom saw you in that house and as we drove back, got the whole thing. It just fell into place for her."

Callie just nods, she has her own memories of that day, And what it felt like riding in that dark and tense car, amazed that she had Jude and was still alive, her body so shot full of adrenaline she couldn't keep her legs from jiggling. (were the seats really leather?). Yet for the whole drive as preoccupied as she was with tomorrow her mind kept coming back to what Steph had said, outside the house. It was so much nonsense, but she couldn't shake the feelings behind the words. And when she would look up, she would catch the cop looking at her from the rear view mirror, only a cop never looked at her like that. No adult did really.

"She was the first person who stood-up for me, since..." She pauses. "In the house ,"and then just stops, shuts down.

"Good god" Lena thinks to herself, "A fifteen year old had a gun waved in her face and I wanted to throw the girl away because I resented having to witness it from the safety of our car?

Callie, however, is lost in her own world and is speaking as much to the wall of pictures as she is to Lena, "I knew what she did wasn't just for me, but.. I thought I was going to be shot and then..." her voice trails off.

For a moment, they rest silently together in the predawn gray,

Lena picks-up the thread, gently soft stepping around the fact that she will never have Stef's super hero MO. She is resigned to walking quietly, plod,plod,plod. A contrast to Stef 's ability to leap amazingly into the unknown. "Well Mom,.. right!" And she stops there, because this conversation was never about Stef..

"For me it was more gradual. It grew... like, you grew." And words she had been racking her brains to find, now roll effortlessly out of her mouth. After all its her story, their story. A parent talking with her young adult daughter tracing the outlines their love has drawn around each others life. Jealousies, arguments, the imperfections are in some ways not just part of the picture but the picture itself.

"It was little things, sitting on our bed playing monopoly, how all the kids trusted you."

Callie looks at Lena. eyebrows raised, not exactly in disbelief, but..

"Don't scoff, off course there were bumps, we're human. and I know you went out of your way to keep the peace, Don't think we didn't see you walking around as if the floor was made of egg shells, but you were never, mean. Fierce and hard, but not mean."

"There is just little things I remember, the night before the Quinciera the way you reacted to my mom's gifts, weird little things."

Lena inhales, sharply, " I guess, I knew, really knew, at the hospital." her voice breaks. She can never talk about the shooting without crying. "They made this big deal about only letting direct relatives see stef, it was so arbitrary." She shakes her head frowning at the memory, "The twins were so scared and guilty they looked frozen."

" And I was furious, but I couldn't get the image of them as five year olds out of my head. And I remember looking at you standing next to Mariana, and all I could think was, thank god your safe. And all these feeling seemed to fall into place, and I realized, that what ever happens, you were our daughter, she was your sister and Jude was our son period. Everything else was, I don't know," she reaches out rubbing Callies shoulder "details?"

Callie nods quietly, "It takes time, I mean its odd to just become someones child."

Lena feels her heart thumping, so proud to be a part of this kids life and how together they've built something so sturdy Callie will risk this conversation. Can say that their love is complex and changeable and that it is not out of a story book or Disney film, but that it is still something solid and tangible. Lena feels herself flush and her breath quicken as she listen's to the girl she chose ...really chose, to be her child.

" I mean Steph in the house was amazing, but ...feeling like I was your daughter...It sort of piled up sneaked up on me with out realizing,."

"What I remember most is sitting on the bed locked in that stupid room at that woman's house thinking, This is crazy they just took me away from my moms. I wasn't afraid, depressed or frightened."

She looks directly at Lena. "I was angry!" she pauses, "At the system, and at you both for being so careless, but I never once doubted you'd come for me. It was an uncanny feeling ,to all of a sudden realize, to know deep down that I was going to be missed."

Lena wipes her eyes, "We did," and she laughs, pausing, "I will." Callie 's hand is warm and solid against her as morning light refracts through the cut glass on the door scattering red yellow and green stripes onto the floor.

They stand together looking at the photos.

Yet her mind has moved on. She is thinking about breakfast for seven and If Stef has discovered that Lena is not in bed, and what time Jude, her grumpy gawky adolescent, will wake-up.

She tugs at Callie's hand , leading her through the kitchen and then out to the back yard. The sun has already risen above the tree line, and is too bright to look directly at without hurting your eyes.

If she was alone, she would do a cartwheel. She wonders smiling too herself, just how many dinner tables THAT tale would be embellished and retold. 'Crazy Lena, whose still waters run deep.'

"You know, When ,isn't what matters," she says. She doesn't want to negate the girl but she has to communicate this, Callie needs to understand it, its urgent and there is so little time left that they will spend together.

Callie is watching her intently, her eyes are glistening.

" This is what matters, today," Lena makes a sweeping gesture with her one free arm, pivoting outward with her whole body while Pulling Callie into her with her other arm . She nods her head and smiles, " and tomorrow."

She lets go of Callie hand. A boat casting off to a beautiful sea.

Then takes a step ...


End file.
